I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
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I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
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So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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