a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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