I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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