hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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