and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
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I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
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I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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