I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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