I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
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It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
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Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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