dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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