you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
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Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
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And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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