guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
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sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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