Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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