you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
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Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
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I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize