Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
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Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
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My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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