She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
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I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
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If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Oh and itโs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ๐๐๐๐ฌ๐ณ๐
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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