Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
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I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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