i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
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It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
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I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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