I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
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He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
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