I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
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And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
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This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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