One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
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Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
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We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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