So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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