you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
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Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
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Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
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