I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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