I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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