Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
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I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
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I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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