Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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