My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
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He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
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You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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