You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
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They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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