no, he came in my armpit
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
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sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
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I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
i've created a new STD.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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