Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
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i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
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my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
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