he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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