Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
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NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
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How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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