I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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