They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
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I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
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You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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