I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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