My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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