how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
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Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
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Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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