Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize