Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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