Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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