listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
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Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
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We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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