A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
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Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
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Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
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