so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
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I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
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We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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