The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
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I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
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Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
did i just pee glitter
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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