8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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