Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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