I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
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