HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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