I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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