If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My life is pants optional.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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