Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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